Let’s say for the sake of argument that Justice Kennedy and his four co-conspirators are right.  Corporations are persons with rights that are in some cases (including the freedom of speech) indistinguishable from those of real people.

 Two decades ago, Bob was piloting a boat he knew wasn’t safe (after convincing locals he’d be extremely careful and give them jobs), negligently crashed it while apparently drivng drunk and fouled the coastline of Alaska, destroying a local way of life and killing hundreds of thousands of fish, birds, and other wildlife.  Bob promised the locals he’d clean up his mess and pay people for their losses.  To this day, he has not and continues to fight every effort to force him to do so.  Bob gouges customers, pollutes the air, and does everything he can to make sure the US remains dependent on oil in general and specifically Middle Eastern oil (which is a source of funding for terrorists).  Bob is a jerk.

Steve shot 17 innocent people dead in Iraq and tried to pay off at least one local governmental official to cover it up.  If you see Steve, stay away from him and call the police.

Merv has ripped off the military by overcharging, abandoning contracts it was fully paid to perform, and killing several Americans serving in Iraq due to slipshod electrical work near showers.  Wonder if Merv will lose his contracts and be forced out of business? 

Rick invented a contraceptive he sold to young women and made millions.  He told them it was as effective as any other pill and that it had added health benefits, including reducing symptoms of pms and improving their skin.  The pill actually made it much more likely women would suffer an embolism and caused other serious cardiovascular problems.  A number of completely healthy young women have died of catastrophic cardiovascular events while others are living with the after-effects of strokes.  Rick refuses to take the contraceptive off the market to this day.  Some parents would like a few minutes with Rick in a dark alley.

Fred sold derivatives to investors who relied on a rating’s agency’s investment rating before buying it.  Unbeknownst to anyone, Fred paid the ratings agency to allow him to use its software model, grade his own investment, report it back to the ratings agency, and put its seal of approval on it so he could sell it.  Fred’s deception cost investors millions but he’s a millionaire and isn’t going to be prosecuted for his fraud.

Mike sold a type of insurance that would guarantee a payout if a risky investment went bad, but Mike didn’t have enough assets to cover the losses.  Mike’s deception cost investors hundreds of millions.  Mike got a payout from the government, paid himself seven-figure bonuses this year and doesn’t care what people think of him as he spends some of that money to make sure Congress doesn’t pass a law to stop him from doing this again. 

Tina sold health insurance to a family and then refused to pay for a liver transplant to save the life of a child under the policy.  After the story hit the media, Tina reversed course, but it was too late.  Tina says she feels bad about it, but does the same thing over and over again to other families.

These are all real cases of real corporate “people”, the same people empowered by yesterday’s ruling.  The same people who supposedly have the same free speech and electioneering rights as you and I.  Except they have more money than us, can’t be held personally liable for wrongdoing, lack souls, lack conscience, may be run by foreigners without interest in the well-being of the US, and are legally obligated to make as much money as they can as fast as they can regardless of the ethical or moral consequences.

Other than that, we’re practically the same!  And I for one am thrilled to be turning my democracy over to them.  Thank you Supreme Court. 

By the way, the Yaz is the contraceptive.  It is manufactured by Bayer.  Please don’t take it.

One more: Mitch McConnell – okay, there are some people who are indistinguishable from corporations.